It doesn’t feel like it’s 11:11 at night. Hey, don’t people make wishes at this time? Well, I just missed my chance, it just turned 11:12. Oh well, I don’t really believe in that kind of stuff anyways.

So, last Wednesday was quite the depressing day. I think it was Wednesday, I don’t remember. Yeah, it was. Anyways. So that evening, my dad came home and asked me to show him my grades. So I did. He examined them and said, “A B- in world history? That stuff is all memory!” Then I told him about how my teacher has horrible teaching skills…which is the truth. He then replied with, “It doesn’t matter if you have a good teacher or not, all the stuff is in your book!” I felt like screaming, “JUST BE HAPPY FOR ONCE! YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WHO SITS IN THAT GODFORSAKEN CLASS AND MUST PRETEND TO ENJOY IT!” Alas, I did not. Then my mom decides to join in. I quietly made my way to my room before they could make me feel any worse. Once in my room, I cried. Something I hadn’t done since New Year’s Eve. It wasn’t even them just yelling at me that made me want to cry, although it was a large part of it. Another thing that I was thinking about was Her. I needed to cry. I wanted to cry. After crying, I had a horrible headache. Yelling parents and a confusing relationship do not make a happy Candice.

So later…On MySpace, I tend to take a lot of surveys. So one of the ones I took that night you had to put ten things you wanted to say to people. Well, about three of them were things I wanted to say to Her. While were talking on AIM, she kept trying to make me feel better about my headache. Awhile after, she asked, “Which number do I get?” At first, I laughed it off, but then she asked, “Do I make you sad? Or miserable?” [Note that I am paraphrasing here] I told her, “No…not necessarily.” Then she asked, “Have I ruined you.” I said, “No.” She started to say that she felt bad or something like that. I told her, “It’s not your fault. It’s just my reasoning with things, it’s not my best skill.” She then said, “…baby, Mr. E told us to tell someone that they were important [Note: I hate Mr. E's class with a passion]. And though I did joke with Karen, you are the apple of my eye.” I told her that I wasn’t even thinking about that, but thanks. She then went on with asking me what happened, what I was thinking about, if I didn’t mind her asking. I went on telling her that it was just too many things at once. Then I took a second to think and told her, “That’s my worst act of self-destruction. Thinking that there is just so many things wrong with me so that I don’t seem boring. And the worst part is that I know I do it, but I don’t want to stop.” She then tried to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me. I told her that there is something wrong with everybody. Which is the truth. She then said, “I think you’re perfect.” Perfect. I hate when she calls me that. I finally did tell her that. I told her, “I really hate when you call me perfect, but only because I don’t think that I am. I mean, they tell us all our lives that no one is perfect.” She replied, “Ok.” I apologized and explained to her that I have just been going into my eighth grade depressive mood for the past two weeks. [I had started hurting myself in seventh grade, but in eighth grade it had become more frequent] She then told me, “Please don’t. Too many people care about you.” I told her, “Don’t worry, I’m not going into my self-destructive stage ever again…not physically anyway.” She then said, “…Candice…nevermind.” I then said, “Noooo.” She told me, “I won’t change your mind.” I just told her, “Okay.” But it wasn’t. I think I subconsciously wanted her to change my mind. Sadly, after I told her “okay,” my internet died.

About maybe five minutes or so, she called me. I apologized for signing off on her. She then asked again what was wrong. I told her not to worry about it and that I’d get over it soon. She reluctantly said, “Okay…I’ll go then.” I said okay and we told each other goodnight.

Another five minutes or so later, she texted me. That whole five minutes I had been debating whether or not to call her back, how convenient that was for me. She said: “I kinda wish when you hug me you won’t let go and never have to say bye.” I replied, “I know…I kinda wish we weren’t…not an us.” Which I later figured was horrible wording. She called me right after she had read it. She misunderstood me and thought I had said something like, “I wish we were not an us.” I told her, “No! That’s not what I said.” That subject was kind of dropped after that. She then started telling me about something that had happened the few days or so before she told me she couldn’t be in a relationship. I was explaining something to her that almost made me cry…but I don’t remember what it was. And somehow, that conversation turned into her making up a Bert fan fic for me [Which was pretty good I must say. I'm still waiting for her to continue]. Now that I think about it. The way she said, “You wish we weren’t an us?” on the phone made it sound like that we still are. Which has brought up another question. What are we? I am now thoroughly confused about that. I mean, nothing has even changed. Like, nothing. That has also been another factor in my confusion.

I just got off the phone with her. I can sleep peacefully now. I don’t think I would’ve been able to if she hadn’t. She said she’s sick, but she wanted to hear me tell her “I love you.” I know exactly how she feels. I need to hear her tell me “Goodnight” and “I love you” like, every night now. She did it pretty much all of winter break and started again last week. So I’m used to it now.

I’m supposed to talk to her about stuff, but I wasn’t able to last night or just right now. But I will tomorrow. I have to know. I think the only thing that might be stopping me is the fact that she might possibly still think that I’m her girlfriend. I kind of always say “what?” if she says something about it. Like, that same night, she asked me, “Am I your favorite girlfriend?” and I said, “What?” She rephrased her question and asked, “Am I your favorite person that you like?” and I said, “Of course.” I mean, she’s the one who said she couldn’t be in a relationship and I understood that…That’s a lie. But oh well, we’re passed that. But now, I don’t know what we are. One friend has told me that it seems like a “friends with benefits” sort of relationship. And it does if you don’t know what’s going on. Another friend is like, “I don’t know why you guys aren’t together. You guys love each other. She’s dumb.” I agree. And that is why I must talk to her tomorrow…today [Since it's now 12:05 AM].

P.S. Before she started asking me what’s wrong, I was going to go to bed, but leave my computer on, so I wrote this away message:

“I am leaving you
With these words stuck in my throat
The ones that will choke me
And cut off the oxygen to my heart
As I lie down, remember
I mean every unspoken word”

She asked me who wrote it. I asked why. She said because it was beautiful, then asked if I did. I told her it was the first thing I had written in awhile…too bad she didn’t get it. Oh well, it doesn’t exactly matter now. Well, i guess it does kind of apply now.

…It doesn’t feel like it’s 12:13 at night.