02.28.08
Sick Hearts Do Fine With Wasting Their Time
All day today I was asking myself, “Am I wasting my time?”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER! Yay! So this morning, we stood outside and ate cupcakes. I didn’t eat one then though [my body doesn't like to eat in the morning]. I didn’t exactly give her a present yet. I honestly do not know what to give her. So, I gave her my little plastic unicorn and told her it was a temporary present. I really need to think of something to give her. I hate trying to get people presents, too hard for me. So I’ve got until Sunday to think of something.
I think she kinda hurt my feelings today. Two of our friends were like hugging and stuff and she was like, “NO PDA!” Then she turned to me and said something like, “Gosh, now I know how Jessie feels. I’m going to sit over there!” and like, walked away. Then I went with Jessie to get some food. I came back and sat like, at the end of the bench. She turned around to me and said, “You stay over there.” and I replied, “okay” and put my head down. Like, it wasn’t intentional of course and she’s said stuff sorta like that before, but this time, it kinda hurt.
After school, I had work grant. That was fun…[stupid copy machines...] After work grant I went outside and mingled with Ann and the seniors a bit. Ann and I “waltzed” in Pardini. It was fun. I plan to do it again some time. After awhile, Dray was done doing her detention. Later, She came back from hanging out with one of her friends. She came back saying, “Sorry I didn’t kidnap you!” I had never planned on going with her. Then she went away again, then came back saying, “I’m sorry I left you.” I said it was okay. I honestly thought I would have left before she got back. After a few minutes, my dad finally came to pick me and Dray up. She walked with us to the parking lot. As I gave her a hug she asked if I was mad. I wasn’t mad…just…contemplating things and it made me tired. I didn’t tell her that of course, otherwise she would’ve asked about it. So I hugged her and left. I got home and waited for everyone to leave so I could be in peace. Yay!
Now I know that I am not wasting my time. It came straight from her mouth…well…she typed it…so I guess hands…whatever. Not exactly straight to me, but nonetheless, I now know that I am not wasting my time loving her. So I’m just going to keep on doing so.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…
Title courtesy of The Used (”Sick Hearts”)
02.24.08
Have You Ever…
Have you ever just sat and listened to music. Have you ever listened to a song and just thought, “Wow…this belongs on a movie soundtrack?” I have.
I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, and listen to my media player on shuffle. I’ll be lying there and some song will come on and I’ll feel as though I’m in a scene of a movie. It’s crazy and I love it.
I hope that when we make a mini-movie for film class [if we do that is] that we can have a soundtrack to go along with it. I can’t wait for it now.
I wish my life was a good movie and that I was the scriptwriter, producer, and director. That way I could manipulate the scenes and the outcome to my liking. Alas, “I’m just a bad actor stuck with a shitty script” (”Let It Enfold You” - Senses Fail).
“…we are no actors, this is no movie reel…” (”Contagious” - Searchlight)
02.20.08
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home
Apparently I have indigestion…hehe
She was serious. She really does want me to go off with her. Hah. So during break…I don’t remember exactly how it was brought up…
Her: “Hey, so I want to go to Rhode Island and go to Brown [or whatever].”
Me: “Have fun with that.”
Her: “Aren’t you coming?”
Me: “Unless I make a million dollars in the next two years, I’m staying right here.”
Her: “I don’t have money either. That’s why I need a scholarship.”
Then she started talking to someone else and I went with Jessie to buy stuff from the “Jesus Cafe.”
She was also very hug-y today. Last night, she asked me, “Will you hug me tomorrow?” and I was like, “Of course.” Then she said something like, “Do I always hug you back? Do I give back enough?” and I was like, “Yeah.” It honestly doesn’t matter to me, but she hugged me a lot today. Like on the way to sixth block, we crossed paths at the Sunflower Plaza and she stopped and hugged me. We stood there for a minute or two just being like, “Blahhhhskdjfljs.” [Yes...that is a word]. It was nice. We hadn’t done that for awhile. For the past several weeks all I got was like a “Hey!” and a wave when we crossed paths in between classes. She wouldn’t let me go until I kissed her on the cheek. Hah.
I don’t have a tummy ache anymore =]
Title courtesy of: Death Cab For Cutie (”Passenger Seat”)
02.18.08
“Is this my fate?” [s]He asked them.
I have no fate. I don’t even believe in fate. Well…that’s about half a lie. I don’t know what I believe in when it comes to the future.
As I get further along in my high school years, I get further along in hating every day. I feel like a brat, complaining about how life’s just getting harder and harder. Friendships are getting harder, school is pissing me off, the family is annoying the shit out of me, love is just…well…it’s love and it just gets more and more complicated every day.
My friendship with one of the coolest people I know seems to be wearing thin. I never really told her much about my personal life or my problems nor do we hang out a lot outside of school, but I still consider her to be my best friend. I mean, I look up to her. She doesn’t take shit from anybody and isn’t afraid to tell people what she thinks. I wish I could be like that. But, is it possible to be great friends with somebody when those factors are thrown in?
My family isn’t making life any easier for me. I and other sophomores like myself have begun receiving letters and emails from colleges. So I’m like, “Well…that’s just great. Keep on reminding me that I don’t have a plan. Remind my parents that I only have two years left in high school.” My mom decides to keep these letters. Both her and my dad mentioned San Jose State today. I don’t want to go there. What don’t they understand about that? I know, I know. We don’t have much money to send me to another school and the only way I’ll get to go to another school is with a scholarship. I’m trying as hard as my mind will let me in school. I honestly am. Do you think I want to stay in this godforsaken place? Of course not. College was supposed to be my way out. My escape. My sanctuary. But no. According to my parents, I must be stuck here for another two years. My dad says that if I go to SJS for two years, it will save me two years of loans or whatever. I would probably have an easier time swaying them if I knew exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go.
School. I don’t even want to get started with school. I hate it more and more every millisecond. I know that I’m getting older and of course school is getting harder. Well fuck, it’s making me want to stab myself in the face! My classes are boring, most of my teachers cannot hold my interest. I’m going to kill myself next year. Applying for college! I don’t even know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Most of my friends seem to know exactly what they want to do and where they want to go. I am walking a winding, rocky path into a blurred sunset.
She told me she wanted me to go away with her to college. I honestly hope she wasn’t serious. I mean, she wants to major in law and I don’t even know what I want. I can’t even convince my parents to let me out of this city! I was thinking about it today and decided there are three possible ways I could go. Medical examiner, music related job, or get a degree in English. If I pick M.E. I’d have to go to med-school I think. That is too many years for me. I’m sick and tired of school. I want to burn every academic institution in the world at the current moment. I would love to work at a record label or a recording studio or something music industry related. Hell, I’ll be a merch girl! But I don’t know what I would have to do to get into it. That’s a lie, it’s probably not even that hard to find out, I just haven’t really looked into it yet. And then a degree in English. As fun as that sounds, what on earth would I do with it? I do not want to be a teacher. I’d rather stab myself in the face. So yes, I’d say it’s between becoming an M.E. and something music related. Now, to decide…She wants to go somewhere on the east coast. I can’t afford that, my parents can’t afford that. I really really hope she wasn’t serious about me going with her. I mean, she’s been talking about how she going to get married and have children and blah blah blah. Why bring me along for the ride? Why would you drag along someone who’s hopelessly in love with you through such terrible things? I don’t want to see that. I’d rather her go off without me and forget about me. I would have a much easier time getting over it. It just all seems more understandable to me. As much as I love her, and I really do…I just can’t.
Title courtesy of: Story of the Year (”‘Is This My Fate?’ He Asked Them)
02.15.08
You’re Never Going To…
I finally got a straight answer yesterday.
We were on the phone last night and she told me to tell her the story of my last girlfriend. Well, I was slightly confused until she said “I’m you’re last girlfriend…” and I was like, “Ohh!” I’m dumb xD I was just like, “Uhh…I don’t know…” She asked me how I discovered I was “batting for the other team.”
Me: I have a secret!
Ann: What is it?
Me: I like boys…and I like girls
Ann: Yay! You’ve discovered your sexuality!
She laughed. She then told me her story.
I used to sit in class thinking about how I liked you. I asked G*** and Ann if you were batting for the other team and they said no. Then I was like “oh.” Then you told me you had something to tell me. And Ann kinda told me what it was. That day, while you were trying to tell me I thought, “She’s never going to tell me…” So I told you then I kissed you and you had the goofiest smile on your face. Then something happens and I didn’t want to screw up your life because I care about you so I break up with you. And now we’re best friends for life.
That was paraphrased and shortened. It made me laugh though. The last two lines don’t make sense to me, but there’s not much I can do about that. So in the end, I never got to tell her my story. I’ll tell her tonight…it’s going to be interesting…there’s really not much to tell though.
And on a less sillier note…She finally gave me a straight answer. All I have to say is…If you believe him, are you never going to be in a relationship again? Just because he says that, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Don’t let what he said get to you, prove him wrong. There’s no way you’d ever be able to screw up my life. What’s screwing me up is feeling as though I’m hopelessly in love with you and that all we’re ever going to be now is friends. Prove. Him. Wrong.
My Stupid V-Day Poem
Next time I’ll dance with you
Even though it’s something I can’t do
I’ll hold you and hug you and never let go
If you want anything else, just let me know
And even though our hearts are worn
Stitched up where they have been torn
I promise that I’ll always be here to help you mend
Because I love you…the end
…No prequels, sequels, or alternate endings!
02.14.08
First Free Candy Day of the Year Day!
Today sucked. A lot. It was so boring. Like, I wanted to rip out my hair bored.
First off, she wasn’t there. I had my poem and stuff all ready. Alas, she is still sick. And uhh…yeah. Today was dumb. Oh well, I texted her throughout Religion, lunch, and geometry. And I talked to her after school…and in the car…and right now.
Yeah, not exactly my most favorite day of my life. It was so boring…there is nothing left to say about it.
02.13.08
Pre-V Day Preparations
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day…but you already knew that. It’s hard not to notice. I’m just excited for free candy =]
So, I wrote her this dumb little cheesy poem…she loves that stuff. I drew a bunch of little doodl-y things on it too. She better like it. I’m sort of anxious about after school tomorrow. She asked me three times in the past two days what time I was going home tomorrow. I’m not going home until 4:30…I’m half-heartedly anxious. I don’t know if she has something she wants to do or what. She also asked me what I preferred, chocolate or roses. I picked chocolate. I kinda hope she didn’t exactly get me something. I wasn’t expecting her to, so I didn’t. Just the poem. Oh well, whatever.
Earlier, she began a conversation with “You know how like, infatuation is fast and shallow?” and I was like, “Yeah,” then she like, dropped the whole thing. I don’t know if she’ll continue with it when she calls me a bit later.
I’ll post the poem tomorrow with details about what happened…hmm…it sounds like it’s raining…but I don’t think it is.
P.S. I got a new phone. LG Black Chocolate!
02.06.08
Turn Up the Stereo and Grab the Mic
I miss singing at school. I used to sing all the time. Before school. During break. During lunch. For hours at a time at home. What happened? It was the thing that I enjoyed doing the most. I mean, I still sing. Hell, I’m singing right now.
Well, I guess I don’t sing as much because I’m not confident in myself anymore. The people I hang out with now, most of them have lovely voices. Most of ‘em have church voices [which I can't stand] but they’re lovely nonetheless. It is so intimidating! I don’t have a church voice [thank Ford] nor do I have a lovely one. I don’t know what kind of voice I have. According to about…one person, I have a nice voice [and I love her to death =].
I can’t sing too high, otherwise my voice cracks. I also sound like I’m holding my breath. I can’t sing in a low key most of the time because I can’t breathe all too well when I do. I don’t have the greatest lung capacity, so I can’t hold a note for too long, although I am getting better. So, I guess I’m somewhere in the middle!
I don’t know. I just miss singing. I miss singing along with my Zen…maybe that’s what I need. My poor baby. I really do hope it’s only the battery that needs replacing. I just feel so bored without it. I would be listening to music in between classes and at lunch if I had it. That’s probably why I’ve been having difficulties learning the lyrics to new songs. Oh what a cruel universe we live in.
I think I’d be happier if I sang more often…I know I’d be happier…
Title courtesy of one of Bert McCracken’s older bands (”801 Underground”)
