03.30.08
so this is the girl
the one that you love .
the one you write about
worry about
and care about
i guess i can only sit here and write something heartfelt .i love you and you are one of the greatest friends in this world and i am lucky to know you .you are extra ordinary. and the apple of eyes .so you know your eyes are the prettiest thing .but then again you are gorgeous :] im sorry you dont have internet today but when you o read this i hope it makes your day better<3
03.28.08
The Future.
Today, since I was bored out of my mind, I decided to look at different universities. I searched based on majors and location and came out with 11 possibilities. I’m sure that I will eventually cut my choices down a bit [Made easy by NAVIANCE xDD].
1. Boston University [Boston, MA]
2. Brown University [Providence, RI]
3. UC Berkeley [Berkeley, CA]
4. UC Los Angeles [Los Angeles, CA]
5. UC Riverside [Riverside, CA]
6. UC Santa Barbara [Santa Barbara, CA]
7. Hofstra University [Hempstead, NY]
8. Pace University [New York, NY]
9. St. John’s University [Queens, NY]
10. Syracuse University [Syracuse, NY]
11. SUNY Buffalo [Buffalo, NY]
I decided that no matter what, I’m going to go where I want to go. I don’t care where it is. I don’t care how much it is. I will find a way to pay for it if my parents won’t.
03.27.08
Writing > Typing 3.
3/26/08
“Glory glorious.” 5:06 PM. I hate when my mom parks here. Ants always seem to find their way inside the car. It’s really bright outside.
She awoke, expecting to be in her arms. She opened her eyes to her room back in her old home. Awoke to her old sheets. Her old blankets. The old smell of her room. She awoke with no one beside her. She realized that she was still just a sophomore in high school. She still lived with her parents. She still went to the same school. With the same people. The same life filled with unaccepting people. Unaccepting of the love she shared with her. The glistening water had vanished from her mind. The freedom she had felt had suddenly disappeared. She remembered that she still had two years left to endure of suppressed feelings. As she got out of bed, she thought about the dream she had had. How far away that dream seemed from her reality. The warmth she had felt the night before was replaced by a sudden chill. COLD.
5:30 PM. i’m not listening. i’m NOT LISTENING. I’M NOT LISTENING. “The morning tilts, the morning spills.” Life’s NOT FAIR. It’s not fair. Life’s not fair and you know that. They just don’t understand. I’ll never change her mind, will I? Maybe one day it’ll all work out. I don’t want it to work out only one day. I want it to work out the day after that and the day after that. FOREVER. “Every dawn gets its day like. Every frown gets her way like…Every backward blackbird sound it out through the rafters…Wake the sun.” 5:41 PM. 7:01 PM. “CHOKE MEE The things that I love and the things that I hate. They’re all gonna CHOKE ME!” The sun came up and everything was alright again. Such a beautiful voice that comes out of a disheveled being. Our love is the beauty in this ugly world. “Sick hearts do fine with wasting their time.” I only want to drive you and I away. Through the ocean and through the sky. “GIRL, YOU CAN’T KILL A LIAR!” “See how we are, alone in the world. We are the light in the tunnel, that’s all.”
She awoke again. This time in their apartment. The constant change in scenery was too much. She staggered to a chair as dizziness set in. She had sat up too quickly again. This always happened to her. She never mentions it too anyone though. She doesn’t know how she’d describe it. “Just shake it off.”she always tells herself. She hates the doctors anyways. She hates counselors too. She was mostly afraid that something is wrong with her and they’d put her on medication. She was afraid of the pills. She knows how dependent some people become on their meds. She believed that this would happen to her. Because she is so dependen. She depends so much on the people she loves. It may not seem like it though, because of the way she’s always doing things for her loved ones and not so much for herself. She never asks for things from them…usually. She’s sure though, that when she does need something, it’ll be something important. She does things for other people because it makes her feel like she has a purpose in life. When the dizziness passed, she got up and proceeded with her day as usual.
“I know she drains me slowly. She wears me down to bones in bed. It must be the sign on my head that says oh, love me dead.” 7:33 PM. “And I’ll savor every moment of this.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When she was telling me all that stuff, I thought she was joking at first and was just trying to make me upset ['cause apparently she likes it when I'm upset ;]. Then, I realized she wasn’t. I almost cried…but I couldn’t. Hah. It’d be nice if I could cry once in awhile. Yes…I want to cry. I want to be able to cry when things like this happen, not just when I’m getting yelled at.
People suck and are unfair and close-minded. The end. Oh, and I am God.
03.25.08
Writing > Typing 2.
3/25/08
3:30 PM. Let’s run away. You won’t have another bad day. I will sing them all away. 3:43. Don’t sleep with your mouth open. Pray. No. I feel like swimming. I want to float on my back in the ocean. Just let the waves crash on top of me. Being in the ocean feels nice.
They arrived at their new home. The two were overjoyed. They finally left behind all that was holding them back. They could finally be together. No strings attached. Their stuff would arrive arrive at their new apartment the following day. They moved clear across the country. Sure, they’d miss home, but being there together was much better, They’d visit on holidays…maybe. 3:53 PM. As evening fell, the two decided to walk down to the beach. No one could be seen down the stretches of sand on either side of them. 3:57 PM. Twilight disappeared as darkness painted the sky. They sat side by side on the shore. Back and forth the water came and went. Soon enough, the cold set in and the moon and the stars shone. Block by block, the small city’s streetlights came on and left small pools of light on the sidewalks. They could care less that they were at the beach on such a chilly fall night. They could not even tell how cold it was. The feeling of their fingers intertwined with one another’s was enough to keep them warm…4:11 PM [TBC...].
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She was having a bad day yesterday…My stupid phone get dropping the call. It happened thrice. I threatened my phone’s life. She asked me to sing her something sad…It took me a few minutes to actually start, but eventually I did.
“Sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key, sing me anything. We’re glad for what we’ve got, done with what we’ve lost, our whole lives laid out right in front of-Sing like you think no one’s listening. You would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit. Sing like you think no one’s listening. You would kill for this, just a little bit you would. Sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key, sing me anything…” -Straylight Run (”Existentialism on Prom Night”)
She said it made her day a thousand times better and gave her this happy feeling in her chest…or something like that =]. She said I had to sing to her again on Saturday. To make my phone stop dropping the call, I sat in this corner made by my headboard and the wall. After we hung up, I sat there for another five minutes, holding my knees…and smiling.
Writing > Typing.
I just had this itch to write. Not type, but write.
Written: March 24, 2008.
“Baby I’m not alright when you go I’m not fine I never want you to go Apparently the kind that would bury us alive Please be all mine I am all your’s so please be all mine.” “On and on reckless abandon” She never wanted to fall in love. But here she is, constantly thinking about her. HER. I wanted to write a story based on us, but I don’t know how to start. “Need someone to blame.” “Caress the one, the Never-Fading Rain in your heart-the tears of snow white sorrow Caress the one, the hiding Amaranth In a land of the day break.” I want to be able to write lines like that, but I have NO IMAGINATION. I just want to write. On and on. everyday, constant writing. “Relax and standstill.” I can’t think of a single thing. Why can’t I be an extrovert with ADD? I’d always be thinking about things worth thinking about rather than about life and how much I think it sucks. “BIG SHOT screaming put your hands in the sky said give it up boy, give it up or you’re gonna die you’ll get a bullet in the back of the neck right between the eyes. I wonder when they’ll come get me. We want you have to need you. We’ll tell you when they’re hungry again It NEVER ENDS.” I’m a vampire. Really? No. I’m leaving. Why? You’re not a vampire. But you said you loved me. I do. Then why are you leaving? I don’t like to tell the truth. NONSENSE. no_sense. The Professional. “I can’t get through December.” December 2007 was amazing. January 2008 wasn’t. “Bring me back to life.” February was a little better. March has been the best month of this year. 2/22/08 - 2/23/08. “Things go wrong…Life’s so strong.”
The two walked side by side, longing for one another’s hand. It wasn’t allowed. For the two to hold one another’s hand. It just wasn’t right. If they did, they’d be disowned. That’s not the way they were brought up. Maybe they should’ve been. In their minds, what they do isn’t wrong. But to everyone else it is. Even to some of their best friends it is. When they’re around other’s the world just seems different. They can’t be with each other the way they want to be. They get made fun of. When they’re alone together, everything just seems so right. They can hold hands. Embrace for longer than usual. Kiss. Hug. Hold. Love. Just the way they want to. LOVE. I want it to be like that all the time. But it’s not allowed…At least, it’s not out there…around the people I know. Don’t say she doesn’t deserve me. We don’t deserve each other. We deserve each other. All at the same time. I love her. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m happy…for once.
“Lovestruck_Fucked up.”
The ceiling creaked. She looked up to the corner of the ceiling, turned back around and thought nothing of it. Same as always. Same as she has always done. It’s never anything anyways.
“The world is black. And there’s no hope.” I can’t write in the dark. “Pictures fade away but memory’s forever.” I heart you. I heart you a lot. ok. good. BROWN. Dark chocolate. Meiji candy. Emporer or war lord? I can’t quite recall. Maybe if that class didn’t suck…”All that she wants…” Pandas are cute. Especially that one in a jar. I’m tired. I should sleep soon. I love her. I’m glad I met her. “Devil beside you to watch you die when you can’t find the remedy.” I’m glad I have really crappy handwriting.
The two went downstairs to get their composition books from their lockers. They stopped at the door on their way back up. Their lips met and quickly parted. They proceeded through the door. The past few moments did not exist. Their lips did not meet at that instant. Nor did they meet during any other instant. Those memories did not exist…Not in any one else’s mind. Only in the two girls’ mind.
“You’re taking up my time.” All the good words are best left unsaid. Not necessarily unheard. Bert hair. It’s been 3/25/08 for about nine minutes now. Oh well, I guess I should stop. 12:10 AM.
03.22.08
She Knows Just How to Hold Me
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
“…you.”
…
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
“I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHAT I WANTED TO DO!”
xDD
So it’s spring break! Yay! And so far, it’s been excellent. It’s only been two days, but I’ve loved them. Yesterday, I went over to Carmen’s house in the morning. I had to bring my sister, but she got picked up at like, 2:00. So when I got there, Carmen and I started our science paper. We watched Enchanted at the same time. That movie was so funny and cute! We played some rock band. Carmen and I went upstairs to watch Casanova. First time I’ve actually sat down and watched it. I liked it. It was funny. My mom came and picked my sister in the middle of the movie. She brought cupcakes. Then, Carmen and I went to go finish Casanova. After the movie, we went downstairs and watched some TV with her sister.
Awhile later, she had to go to this gym place. My parents had yet to call. Then, Carmen had a wonderful suggestion. She told me to ask if I could spend the night! So, I called, but no one answered. I kept calling and calling until finally, my dad answered. He got a hold of my mom and they let me spend the night. So, since she had to go to the gym, she told me that I should swim with her…I hate bathing suits…but I had to…So we went. When we got there, they said I couldn’t go ’cause I did not have a membership. Carmen’s dad brought us back home, then went back to the gym. So we had the house to ourselves for awhile.
We watched some more TV. While watching TV, I guess stomach growled like, really really loud or something. I hadn’t eaten anything all day [this was like at...10ish or something...]. She told me that I needed to eat something. But I didn’t feel hungry. She told me that she’s worried ’cause I have been losing a lot of weight and that even though I don’t feel hungry I should still eat, otherwise I’d get sick. So, I let her make me some cereal. Hooray for giant blocks of shredded wheat! So after I ate cereal, we went back upstairs again and watched more TV. She fell asleep first, then I went to bed a little while after.
I woke up before her, so I kinda just lied there, falling in and out of sleep. She kinda woke up and put her arms around me and held me. Then she fell asleep again and I kinda did. So we lied down and held each other, but we had to separate when someone came in the room. Once they left though, we went back to holding each other.
At about 9ish, we went to her parents’ office downtown. When we got there, we ate [I just drank some orange juice]. Then her, her sister, and I went to another room and lied around and watched Family Guy. Once again, we slept. We left the office at like…2 maybe? We then went to Santana Row. There were so many people there. I never go there. Carmen and I got some tea. We went and ate some salad, fries, and a sandwich. I only had the salad and a few fries. Carmen deemed it necessary to buy my parents a gift so they wouldn’t get mad at me too much for staying with her for so long. She bought them an Easter egg filled with chocolate. We went to a few other stores. She almost bought me a The Matches CD, Decomposer, but I made her put it back. She had already bought me tea and food, she didn’t have to buy me the CD. We met up with the rest of her family, then got some ice cream.
After Santana Row, we went to this art store. I hate going to art stores, they make me wish I had money so I could buy things. Carmen bought me a canvas so I could paint her something. I’m going to paint her this picture of Italy burning and on the back I’m supposed to write: “From up here these city lights burn…” It’s from “Anthem of Our Dying Day” by Story of the Year. After the art store, they brought me home. Sad.
After I got home, I went to Michael’s and Walmart. At Michael’s, I bought some yellow and black acrylic paints. At Walmart, I got inky black pens, erasers, spicy tofu soup, soy milk, and Lychee jellies.
I’m happy. Now I have something to do over break. I’m going to spend a lot of time working on my painting. I am terribly excited about it! I hope the rest of break goes great too.
Title courtesy of Ludo (”Love Me Dead”)
03.17.08
I’m A Happy Camper Again
Now I want to go camping…
So this weekend was cool…Saturday. I woke up, got ready, got my stuff ready, and went to her house. I got to drive there, that was fun. So yeah…We played video games [I won of course =], then…her and I watched some CSI. She kept saying “did you hear that?” She was freaking out, ’cause we were by ourselves, it was funny…Then we ate some tacos. Then we we were alone again and went upstairs to watch Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I love that movie! And now, I know someone else who has watched it. Sadly, I went home before the movie ended and left her by herself.
Later that night I mentioned how I had been feeling better compared to earlier in the week. Then she asked me if I knew why I had been feeling that way and it eventually led up to me giving her the link to this blog. She had started talking to me about it a bit…but then she like, fell of the face of the earth. I later learned that her parents made her sleep downstairs. I woke up at like, 3 A.M. that night and hurriedly checked my phone for missed calls, worried that I had missed her call [I didn't realize the time at first].
Then it was Sunday…I woke up. I learned how to make an over-easy egg and ate breakfast. I sat in the living room and looked for something to watch. I ended up watching a Swedish movie called The Seventh Seal. It was pretty good. Then my dad left to the store and I was home alone. When I signed on to AIM, she was already online. I told her that I needed the amount of milligrams of each of the vitamins we are using for our science project so I could do our procedure. She said, “I don’t care about that I just want to hold you right now…” Then she went on telling me how she had to sleep downstairs and how she didn’t have a good dream ’cause my voice wasn’t the last thing she heard. Then she called me. She made me look up “kiss” in the dictionary and read her the definition. Then she was like, “I think you should do that right now.” She asked me why I couldn’t just tell her how I was feeling. Then I explained how I have an easier time writing things down than talking. She asked if I could just tell her from now on, I told her I’d try. Then she made tell her “I love you” like a bajillion times. Then she went to take a nap.
Later that night…she needed the link to my blog again, so I gave it to her. She said something that didn’t make a lot of sense to me, then she explained why she didn’t sit with me at first that day in biology. Then she like, disappeared for about half a hour. Then she came back and told me she’d call me. So I waited, and she called.
So I don’t remember exactly the order in which the following occurred, but whatever. So she explained how she didn’t want to put a label on our relationship and that she does love me. She said…unless I was like, hallucinating or something…she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me [that only surprised the shit out of me...not that I have a problem with that]. And then she asked if I could spend the night sometime, if my mom would let me, so she could hold me and cuddle and…all that fluffy stuff [=3]. And of course I said “yes,” I would just loveeeee that.
Today was good too. She bought me an ice cream. And tomorrow, I’m hoping to get A Band In Hope from The Matches and some new bracelets from Claire’s.
…So yeah, I’m a happy camper again…and Carmen says: “Ann is a sexy beast” xDD
03.13.08
I Can Never Stay Outwardly Upset
There are no universities or colleges which have pathology as a major here in California…
So yesterday, I wasn’t being very nice I guess, especially during lunch. I was being quiet and wouldn’t talk and just kept to myself. I was hoping Jessie would be there, but I forgot she had a club meeting. So yes, I paid no attention to anyone [kind of...I secretly was] and just read 1984. She tried talking to me, but I either nodded my head or remained quiet. Once or twice she held her hand out and wanted me to hold it. I just stared at it. I think I made her upset…I’m sorry about that.
Usually, I wait after seventh for her and Ann, but this time, I didn’t. So after Ann and I were ready, we went on to biology. We had to sit at lab tables. She sat with Ann and I at first, but then went to the table behind us and sat by herself. I don’t know why though…So I asked her, “Please come sit here!” and she said something about me not waiting for her. She kinda sounded like she was going to cry or something…maybe not. So, I sat at the table with my head resting on my arms. My hair was over my eyes, so I was able to close them. After awhile she finally came and sat next to me…close to me. She grabbed my arm closest to her and rested her head on it. That made me happier. After that, I upped my cheer and actually talked to people.
Last night I apologized about the way I had been acting. She knows something is wrong and she wants me to tell her…I might if I actually knew what was. Today at break, she hugged me and told me she loved me and that she still wants to know why I am upset. She says she knows that I am upset. If I fail to compile my thoughts into words to tell her…I’ll just give her the link. The link to the past two months of my life. This blog.
…I’m sleepy again…and I do love her.
03.11.08
Depressed?
I finished my note cards and now I want to sleep…
I have recently come to the conclusion that I may be depressed. While doing my research cards for English, I came across some “warning signs of suicide.” These signs included: a sudden change in behavior, personality, sleep, or eating patterns; loss of interest in school; withdrawal from family and friends; mood swings; and greater than usual feelings of anger or anxiety. I exhibit all of these signs…except for the fact that I want to kill myself. I’ve been like this for the past two months. On days like this, I feel light-headed and I start talking in this high kind of voice. The funny thing is, I also discovered that when I am “depressed,” I do better in school
In the 7th, 8th, and 9th grade, I was doing perfectly fine in school, but I wasn’t happy in the least bit. In 7th grade, I got into trouble. In 8th grade I broke off from a friendship. Last year, I didn’t want to make any new friends and I was becoming more self-conscious. This year, I developed romantic feelings and fell in “love.” My grades slipped from the start of the year. Then, while I was in a relationship, my grades began to raise a bit, and when we broke up, my grades all went above Cs. I’ve discovered that I function better academically when I have social issues to worry about. While in a relationship, I was worried about my friendships. And now that we’re no longer together, it’s all I can think about. My life depends on my grades. I use my schoolwork as a distraction. I need this dysfunction in my life to maintain my grades.
I don’t even know how I feel anymore. The past two months have been the worst I can ever remember. Today, while on my way to biology, Ann and I hear this girl say “MY VAGINA DOES NOT TINGLE FOR YOUR PENIS!” to her friend. That was the highlight of the past two months of my life. I didn’t even want to do group work in biology. I usually look forward to that. I had planned on being quiet for the rest of the day. I gave her short, curt responses when she talked to me. I almost felt bad…but I didn’t. Then after school, as I was leaving, she asked me for a hug. I didn’t want to give her a hug. So I just told her that I had to go. I don’t even want to talk on the phone tonight in fear of that she’ll ask me what’s wrong. But this is what I’ve wanted for so long. For someone to ask me what’s wrong.
I don’t know sometimes. She practically ignored me during lunch. I mean, she asks me to go with her to buy food. Yay yay happy happy. Then another friend of her’s comes and she ignores me. But that’s selfish of me. I mean, she does talk to me pretty much all the time. This is a problem. I’m the kind of person who needs constant attention from another person. Not necessarily another person who will sit there and listen to everything you say and do everything for you, but at least some form of attention.
This was what she was afraid of. That if we ever “fell out of love,” our friendship would be ruined. But you see, we wouldn’t have this problem if she would just have a reality check. Her of all people should understand that if you love someone and they love you, nothing, nothing, should stop you from being with them.
Maybe her and I are just too much alike. We both need the attention and we expect the other to give it. Well, that’s all I’ve been doing for the past six years, giving attention. I feel selfish for saying this, but I want attention. I want the attention of my family. I want the attention of my friends. I want her attention.
…I love her?
