“Choose to be silent for those who have to be”

Today was the Day of Silence. I participated and was pretty good about it…even though I spoke about three times. It actually really wasn’t that hard. I mean, I’m already pretty quiet in most of my classes. It was also an advantage for me because it meant that I really didn’t have to participate. Most of my friends participated too…others…not so keen on the whole idea.

Jessie was really making me upset today. So in the morning, when she got there, she asked me a question and so I wrote it down. Then she asked why I wasn’t talking. I told Draya to tell her. So Draya was like, “It’s for gay people…” or something like that. So Jessie was like, “Well, I’m not gay, so I’m not going to do it.” And, since I could not talk, I could not explain to her that it’s for anyone who supports gay rights.

Later at brunch, I was sitting there, not talking with Carmen and people. She comes up and is like, “Why are you being quiet?” and she already knew why, so I don’t know why she insisted upon it. People explained it to her twice. Once in the morning and then again during her religion class. I heard them telling her when I got a sticker from Cati. So back to brunch time…I just looked at her and shook my head. Then she said, “C’mon, explain it.” and then she eventually walked away. She sat with her back turned to like, most of the group. I don’t know why she acts like that. I mean, she’s friends with a lot of gay/lesbian/bisexual people…

I finally realized why she did not like my relationship with Carmen. I knew she didn’t like her a whole lot to begin with…but it wasn’t even the fact that it was her. It’s the fact that she is a girl. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before…I guess I believed that she didn’t have a problem with the whole me being bisexual thing…but I was wrong. I should’ve known though. It’s her. That’s how she is. Even when I tried to go vegetarian [which I was doing well with] she got me to eat chili cheese fries. She doesn’t really accept people who are different [It's kind of hard for me to be best friends with someone like that...].

I was pretty upset with her the whole day. I wanted to tell her so much to deal with the fact that I love Carmen and nothing she says is going to change that…but I’m too much of a pansy. I admit it. I am afraid of her. I am not a fighter. Hah Carmen told me that I shouldn’t be afraid of her and that Jessie underestimates her. Then she went into this whole explanation that ended in a sandwich sort of thing. Confrontation is just not my thing. When I told an ex-best friend of mine that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore, I wrote down everything I was going to say and brought it with me. I am afraid of people. That cannot be healthy. I hate the fact that I have to use people to tell other people things for me.

Ya know…in all honesty, even though Jessie and I say we’re “best friends,” we’re not. We rarely ever hang out outside of school and I never tell her anything about my life…I never have. I think the only thing that kept us together was the whole 8th grade thing. That was two years ago…it is over and done with. I think before, it used to bug me about not spending time with her…but now, it’s like…how can I be good friends with someone that doesn’t like who I am?

…what to do, what to do…

Title courtesy of Depeche Mode (”Enjoy the Silence”)