05.30.08
Wishful Thinking…
I honestly thought that today would be better…but, of course, it wasn’t.
It’s not like it was horrible or anything, it was just like “…ehh…” I actually thought it was pretty crappy. After school sucked. Not just for me, but for a good friend too. About twenty minutes, maybe less, before I was going to leave school I was just like “…blahhh” I thought after school would be the best part, but it wasn’t. It was actually the worst. Seeing my friend cry made me feel like crying. After getting into like…a fight sort-of-thing with her girlfriend, my friend Giuliana started walking towards Donelly. I knew that she was going to the bathroom to cry, so I ran after her. We stood in the bathroom for a few minutes. She cried and I hugged her. I’m not good at saying things to make people feel better, so I just let her cry and rubbed her back and wiped her eyes a bit. It was terrible. She’s such an amazing person, but everyone else doesn’t understand. That’s why we like to talk to each other. We understand what the other is going through. The end of the day really could have been…should have been…much better than it was.
I guess I just felt and looked out of it today. Ann kept asking why I looked so “dead.” I was really tired…I didn’t even get any cotton candy. Which even I thought was weird. So, now school is over. I just have to study for finals. Those are going to suck. I really need to study. So much missing work is probably going to show up on my report card…oh well…better luck next year, right?
…perfect way to end the school year =/
05.29.08
I Almost Set My Power Chord On Fire
“We’re having a test on life today.”
“But I suck at life!”
“I notice-I mean…”
*laughter from all…six people that were there xD*
I finally got my laptop back on Monday. Yay! But I still had to wait for the power chord to come, which it did today. So…on…I think it was Tuesday…maybe it was yesterday, I’m not sure…my power chord finally decided to break. I tried to fix it. The wires were exposed, so every time that I tried to like, push the power chord into the laptop, it would spark. It scared me at first, but eventually, I began to do it out of pure amusement. Welp, now they have given me a power chord that seems as though it could not break…thank Ford.
Well, last week was a crappy week. And this week has started out pretty crappy. On Tuesday, Carmen and I got into a little argument in biology [which I started...and feel stupid now for doing so]. Yesterday, it was okay until after school. I had planned on walking swiftly behind her while she rode her long board, but those plans were broken. I was extremely disappointed, but oh well…And today, just sucked. It was our last day of actual classes. During biology, we were going over stuff for the final. I was kind of annoyed that she was playing solitaire on her iPod instead of paying attention to me [...attention whore]. So at lunch I was just being like “….mehhh” and it sucked. Then Giuliana said something. Carmen got upset. I got upset [but not because of Giuliana...necessarily...cuz what she was implying was true]. Then everyone was like “….mehhh” So today sucked, but did get slightly better towards the end. Tomorrow is Class Day. We pretty much get to play all day. Hopefully it will be wayyyy better than this week has been.
Well…I just finished my religion final, so I’m a happy camper. Only a few more days until finals…I really should start studying. If I don’t do well on my World History and Spanish finals, I am seriously screwed. Oh well…I’m just looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully everything will go well and life won’t suck.
05.24.08
Writing > Typing 5.
I spent two days writing this poem. Technically only one day cuz I only wrote two lines and I didn’t even end up using them.
Sweet words escape your lips
And I breathe them in
Poison and happiness
Fill me with just one breath
Circulation is limited
And I lose my breath
Yet it keeps me living
And I continue to inhale what you exhale
You make up my atmosphere
And everything that fills my lungs
All that I breathe
Is your Carmen dioxide
Who needs to rhyme? I feel as though rhyming just limits what I want to say. So many questions I want to ask: When are you going to do it? How much longer? So much I want to say, but I can’t put it all into words. I forgot what we were arguing about yesterday. I think I’m going to go stand outside now. In the cold. 9:59 AM. Too cold. Too cold. Too cold. 10:05 AM. Cold only workds with at least two people. Then you could cuddle, hug, snuggle…snouggle. Body heat keeps everyone warm. Body heat sounds great right now. Stupid starbucks didn’t (have) cream cheese so I couldn’t get my bagel. I was looking forward to it. I need to go to Eastridge to that Daiko store…pretty sure that’s what it’s called. I want to buy one of those boxes I saw in the window. Then I need to find those unicorn stickers. That index card box just isn’t pretty. I feel like driving, but we didn’t bring the small car. The college counselor lady was nice. I’m not looking forward to the meeting with parents next year. Stephanie wants me to join Lit. Mag. I probably will. I was thinking about it before anyways. I just have to make sure that I go to the meetings. I need to dedicate myself to something. And seeing how I actually like writing, this would probably be something I like. I need to find more things I could do to put on my coleege applications. I’m strarting to think that I need to find a new something. I don’t think I want a career in science anymore. I mean, being able to cut a body open and analyze their insides, without having to be a serial killer, sounds like so much fun. But everything that I actually have a passion for has nothing to do with that…except maybe the whole blood and gore thing which I thoroughly enjoy. Welp, there ya go. I need a new plan. Again. Hmm…that means she’ll have to change Mondays and Thursdays. I want to work. I want something to do over the summer. To keep me busy. Something to take my mind off of what I’m missing. Hmm…but if I get a job, I won’t be able to hang out on weekdays. Not that I really have a whole mess of people that I could hang out with anyways. I still want my bagel. Maybe I shouldn’t get a job. Maybe I should just wait. But I needed to start accumulatng money. If we’re going to move away, we’re going to need money…a decent amount of it. Strategically placed cuts are pretty. Not fun. But pretty. I probably wouldn’t have any problems if I had just kept everything to myself. Hah. I always knew this was going to happen. Everything that keeps me happy never lasts long…But does it really for anyone? DRAGULA is on…yum. I love this song. I still haven’t watched House of 1,000 Corpses yet. I feel like walking. I always feel like walking…I just had a thought. August. No. No. No…why didn’t I consider that before? I should’ve realized that sooner…That totally brought my mood down. Way to totally drag it out longer [that didn't make much sense to me after I wrote it]…That’ll make it way longer than I had gone. I’m really sad now. Any other sensible person would have been up and gone already. But no, not me. If only the procedure in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real, but then again, they ended up in the same situation again. Breaking the Habit? Probably never. I never break any habits. They make me feel interesting. (insert chorus to “Breaking the Habit” here [I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright So I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit Tonight]). I don’t think I’m ready to grow up. I want to though. Just want to go far far away…I don’t want to end up being disappointed. Three months as opposed to twenty-eight days. That still hurts me. And now…if things go the way I think they might. It’ll be six months vs. twenty-eight days. I was there first…But I forgot, the universe hates me and is clearly a greater entity. I should’ve brought my CD’s. I wonder if they’ll let me go driving when we get home…Making dirt angels was fun…up until I had to get up and run then couldn’t breathe. I can’t handle a relationship (with you becuase I’m already in one). I’ll break up with him because I know you want me to (but I’ll wait until he’s about to leave for college). I was being too optimistic. Thinking it would happen right away. Silly me. I need some kind of mp3 player for this summer. Otherwise I’m screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I bought From First to Last’s new CD! I’m so happy! They make me happy.
11 more days!
05.18.08
Writing > Typing 4.
Written on May 16, 2008
Anything…Anything at all? No? I thought not. Our alone time is severely limited, yet somehow she doesn’t get it. Too many people in one place. You cannot move. You cannot speak. You cannot breathe. You cannot speak…I meant to say “think” rather than “speak.”
But yes, it is hard to speak.
Words easily choke their possessor.
But can just as easily be thrown up.
Speech is toxic.
Speech is romantic.
Speech is a bittersweet chorus.
The right words block the airways.
The wrong ones are always breathed out.
But what is really felt is what fills the lunchs and slowly, but surely, kills us.
10:33 AM
Will you marry me?
Yes, I will.
Can we have a big wedding, or do you want a tiny one?
A tiny one.
How do you feel about organic food?
I love it.
I was thinking about a sunset-like color scheme for the house.
That’ll work.
And there will always be music playing.
Of course.
I want silky sheets too.
Okay, love.
Do you want to live near the beach?
Yes please.
We’re going to have a small refridgerator, no freezer.
But what about my ice cream and frozen waffles?
We’ll get a small one then. We’ll have a projecter too.
And my video games?
We’ll have the projector for that.
Okay.
I figure all the kids are going to play an instrument.
Sounds good.
And we’re going to heat food in the oven, so no microwave.
Why not?
I don’t have a microwave and I get on.
Oh.
Now, do you want anything?
…I want a microwave.
10:51 AM.
05.14.08
10 More Days?! O.O
…stupid wireless card still doesn’t work; ergo, Best Buy must keep my laptop for 10 more days. It’s depressing.
So uhh…nothing interesting happening lately. Well, Carmen and I got into some arguement like thing last night…I don’t know what to call it. I pretty much forgot what we were talking about though. Hm…So, we arguing about how I never express just how much I love her or want her…or at least not very often at all. I hate it when she gets all worked up like that. After awhile she begins to sound like she’s going to cry and then when she starts talking like that, I start talking like that and it gets all blahhh…but then it always ends up being okay. Which is good. That’s what’s good about us. We can get into these small skirmishes, then have these sort-of emotional like ones, but it always ends up okay, unlike others. Like my friend Giuliana. Her and her girlfriend had this really big arguement the other day and Carmen and I sat there watching. I would never be able to handle myself in the kind of arguement they were having. It kind of scares me. It’s not like it was this huge violent thing, but they were yelling a lot. I would probably give up on the arguement just to make the other person stop yelling [once again, I am quite the pansy...]. It’s terrible for me to believe that if I was ever in an abusive relationship, I’d be the kind of person who would be too scared to say or do anything about it.
So…I recently realized that I haven’t written anything in forever. It’s terrible. I used to be the girl running around with a notebook and writing utensil always in hand. The one who wouldn’t go to sleep until she thought up one decent line and wrote it down in the notebook on her nightstand [I do still have a notebook sitting on my nightstand of course...]. Where did that girl go? Where did my creative little violent, naive-lined mind go? I don’t know where…I wish I knew. I used to love writing dumb little songs with no tune or melody that never had a rhyme…not even imperfect rhymes. Thankfully, I have saved my crappy little songs on my laptop. That way, I may possibly be able to find my old creativity again and write. It is one of my favorite things to do.
Filming starts Saturday! Excited? I am.
05.11.08
…10 Days
Psh…should have been a bit more specific…they could’ve said business days.
So uhh…not much happening lately…or at least not that I can recall. Yesterday was fun though. I got up and got ready. I went to my sister’s softball game. After that, I went to go pick up Carmen. Ann wasn’t home yet so we went back to the field. We sat and watched for a bit, then went and listened to some music in the car. After awhile, we finally got to Ann’s house. When we got there, Ann kept commenting on the fact that I looked like a girl. I was wearing a tank top, a black skirt, and hot pink and black tights [stupid Carmen...hehe it was worth it]. At one point, Carmen and Ann were holding me down on Ann’s bed…RAPE!…no, they were just trying to get another skirt on me. They succeeded. It was funny because Ann’s mom kept asking if we were ready…let’s just say it would’ve been awkward for her mom to walk in on.
So we finally went to Eastridge and met up with Ann’s Wonton [wanton...hehe]. We then got in line and bought tickets to Made of Honor [haha on the ticket stub, it said "Made of Ho"...it was funny to me]. So yes, we then briefly visited Hot Topic then went to get our seats. We sat in the way back towards the corner. I have to say, the movie wasn’t all too great, but being able to just freely be in Carmen’s arms was amazing. I loved every second of it. Me resting my head on her chest and her holding me…I miss that…I’m sad now.
After the movie, Carmen and I were STARVING. So, we tried to get money from my ATM, but it hated us. Then Ann gave me money. So we got McDonald’s…which took us forever to decide on. So we ate. Then Carmen had to leave me. I don’t think I have ever not wanted her to leave that much before. It was depressing. So…she left…and I became third wheel. But it was okay ’cause it wasn’t awkward. I finally got my pretzel and cheese which I had been craving for like, two or three weeks.
After a bit of walking and Ann’s dad almost seeing us with Wonton, we left the mall. On the way out, there were these two guys who were about our age sitting outside of Barnes and Nobles. So I’m walking and fixing my tights and one of ‘em was like “I like your socks!” and I was just like “Erm, thanks…” and began to walk a bit faster. Then, they either said one of three things: “You look sexy [directed towards me],” “You look sexy [directed towards Ann],” or “You two look sexy.” With that, we walked swiftly to the car. Mehh…awkward. We then went to Panda Express, Lucky’s, then Ann’s house.
I then had to call my mom who said I was grounded until the end of the year…but knowing my parents, it of course will not last that long. My dad actually said only for the next two weekends, which I can deal with. Luckily, they did not take my phone. That would’ve sucked. They said I was grounded because I always make them pick me up late…it’s not my fault, I told them to pick me up from Eastridge but they said they’d pick me up later…and it’s also not my fault that my phone died. Then, my mom said I shouldn’t be making plans when I know that my sister has games. Well…THAT IS NOT FAIR IN THE LEAST BIT. My mom said that if I don’t want to go to my sister’s games, then to sit at home and watch the dog. That’s not fair because my sister is going to have games every weekend in the summer. That means that I cannot go ANYWHERE…then again…they never said that people can’t come over. The only problem with that is that I do not know how long my grandma is staying…that makes things awkward and difficult if Carmen were to come over…no fun for us. Then again…we could always hang out in the trailer…hahahah
If they meant business days, then I should be getting my laptop tomorrow…We should probably call Best Buy…
…Almost summer…
05.02.08
Rollercoaster of Emotions
So…I haven’t blogged for awhile. The reason? No laptop. My stupid charger broke and my stupid wireless card broke…so, I have no laptop. They said it would take ten days to fix…it’s been four. So six more days! I can’t wait.
This whole week I’ve been in an up-and-down mood. It’s been terrible. One second I’ll be all happy happy, the next, I’ll feel sad and upset. It’s been more down than up though. It’s been really hard. It made me act so mean to Carmen and I hated it. It’s like…all of a sudden, I just thought about everything that’s been happening and it put me in the worst mood.
I think it’s being at school. I hate being at school. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. There’s too many people, I don’t like most of the people, classes are boring, I don’t have many of my friends in many of my classes, some of my friends don’t get along…I hate it. Whenever Carmen and I are at school, we yell at each other, but when we’re alone or with Ann or something, we’re real nice. Ann said that we had a bipolar relationship…I agree entirely. I just want school to be over and done with already.
Well…I’m kind of paranoid that someone is going to walk by while I’m typing this [I'm on the desktop in the dining room...]. So this is all I’ll write for now.
…Party tomorrow! And hanging out with Carmen on Sunday<3
