06.30.08
Productive Day Today
Three words: Call. Me. EARLIER.
So today I accomplished many things. Not everything I had wanted to, but a lot nonetheless. I awoke to Carmen calling me and yelling at me about being sick [her, not me...at least it sounded like she was yelling]. At around 1 o’ clock I did the diagnostic test in my SAT prep book. To my surprise, I did better on the mathematical portion than on the verbal. I still failed the test as a whole though. After that, I decided to tab the book. Before finishing I went to Barnes and Noble with my mom and sister. I wanted to look for a book for the ACT, but all the books they had didn’t seem very helpful to me. Instead, I got the other two books I am supposed to read for the summer. The Crucible and The Great Gatsby. I am very excited to read both. After finding the books we needed, my mom let my sister and I go to Daiso while she browsed B&N. At Daiso I got some two things of 0.5 mm pencil lead, two fatty black permanent markers, a bottle of white out, a pink pencil sharpener, and Yan Yan [for my sister]. I really really really wanted to get a box [they have really cute boxes], but I didn’t have enough to buy it and I just couldn’t pick one worthy of my love!
When we got home, my mom wanted me to watch One Missed Call with her. So I brought my SAT and reading books, post-its, and pens so I could finish my tabbing while watching the movie. The movie was okay. It made me jump a few times. It probably would’ve been better to watch in a movie theater though. I also ate the soup my mommy made while watching the movie [it had bok choy, tomatoes, carrots, peas, corn, beef, spaghetti noodles, and rice...it was yummyyy]. After the movie, I retreated to my room.
The rest of the evening I re-colored my Converse to match the shoelaces. I love ‘em and I think they are really cute!…They took four hours to white-out and re-color.
Thank Ford for white-out and Sharpies.
I was also able to finish “The Man Impaled By His Own Skill” and “Jar-y Eyes.” I’m really enjoying my smallish sketchpad and colored pencils. I am so happy I got a pencil sharpener. I have so many half-colored drawings because of my lack of sharpener.
Tomorrow, I must really begin reading The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I’m supposed to read nine chapters a day for five days. I must also go on with the next section in my SAT prep book. I would also love to start the next one of my 7DS zipper demons. I haven’t worked on that since last school year! I also need to scan what I have so far and upload it on to my DeviantArt. Wish me luck!
Get well soon my love!
(>”)(”<) <– That’s a “feel better” hug…
=F <– That’s an “I want you” kiss
06.26.08
Why Can’t The Things That I Imagine Come True?
That bottle of pink juice stares me in the face every time I open the refrigerator…which is a lot. Dare I…?
I’m trying to cut back on all the eating I tend to do. So far I’ve pretty much cut out all the snacking and have only been eating like, meals. My weakness though…that so darn tempting ice cream! It’s like I have to have ice cream. Man…maybe I could just cut out like actual ice cream and go for Popsicles. Especially the sugar free kind. I love sugar free ice creammm (someone buy me someee). So yes. Candice, you will cut out ice cream and soda and…other…sugary…goodness…wahhhh
You know, it kind of downs my cheer when people younger than me (especially goddamm twelve year olds xP) are more…developed…than I am. Like…really. Girls on my sister’s softball team and in her class are more developed than I am. It’s slightly depressing xP No offense to my family but…STUPID GENES!
I have also come to a decision. I no longer want to pursue a career in forensic science. I have decided to set my sights on a career in film! More specifically, film editing. I know I didn’t do much on film project…but surely given the chance, I could be pretty good at it. I spent a lot of time editing a video I made a couple of years ago. Sure, it didn’t use actual footage or anything, but TIMING IS SERIOUSLY A BITCH.
Welp…I miss you like crazy, Love. I had a good simile the other day…OH YEAH! I don’t know if you read it in that one survey, but I said I miss you “like the sky misses being unpolluted.” I liked that one. I really want to see you. Every night when you talk to me I try to imagine that you’re lying next to me and talking to me. I think the reason that I like talking to you on the phone so much is that I like having a sense of you actually being there…sort of. I just like the idea of you near me in any way. I love you =]
I don’t remember if it was last night or this morning, but I was imagining me showing up at Bellarmine when you got out of class. Since I don’t have my own car…or a license for that matter…I would ask my cousin to give me a ride. Somehow I would find you without calling you. I would be wearing a pair of black jeans, probably my The Used shirt, and my Gir jacket and my black sunglasses. I’d have my hood on too. I would sneak up behind you and put my hands over your eyes. You would never guess who it was because you’d never think that I would manage to get there. After many minutes of you trying to guess, I’d get impatient and turn you around and quickly kiss you. And magically no one would notice cuz the universe would love us that day. So we’d be there and be happy together. Then my cousin and her boyfriend would kidnap us and take us to Pismo Beach…cuz I like it there. And you’re parents magically wouldn’t care. So when we get there, we’d realize that [random thought: someone buy me a switchblade! What for?...no reason =] we didn’t have bathing suits. Then we’d go find the nearest mall and buy cute bathing suits and sunglasses and stuff. Then we’d head to the stores near the beach. We’ll stop at that giant candy store and get every flavor of saltwater taffy that they have! Then we’d finally go to the beach and frolic on the sand and in the water. We’d freely hug, hold, and kiss each other and it’ll be one of the best days ever. We’d stay until it got dark. We would be able to watch the sunset together and I’d kiss you long and passionately thinking that it was all just a dream…gawd I want you… =F
So I don’t know what else to rant about… =]
06.24.08
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I love you<3
06.21.08
I Think I Should Just Make Myself Throw Up…
Not really what I wanted to come home to.
I need to throw up…soon.
06.18.08
My Tea Is Too Hot To Drink
I want grape soda…but we don’t have any. I noticed that every time I type “soda” I type “soday”…odd.
So I decided that I want a life…cuz I seem to be the only person in the world with nothing exciting going on in their life. It seems as though all of my friends are always out and about and have something to. Whereas I am just dragged along to my sister’s softball tournaments. I don’t really have a problem with it. I mean, I want to go. I like people watching. I’ve been going for the past four years hoping that I’ll make friends or something…so far…NOTHING. Do I not seem approachable? I wish I could make friends…I wish I always had someone to talk to. I wish people wanted to hang out with me…poopie. Now I’m all sad =[
I ate a lot of junk food today and I felt like throwing up...that's a lie...I didn't even eat a lot today. I had cake and a grilled cheese all day. It still made me want to throw up...I was thinking about it too. I feel as though I ate one more thing, but I can't quite remember what it was.
Giuliana helped me name my blue rhinoceros. We named it Guido [pronounced gwee-doe]. I just went to give my mom something and I got that light-headed feeling again…I swear, one day I’m going to fall over…or run into something and then fall over. I’ll probably get that checked when I get my shaking legs checked…which means NEVER. Oh…and it was a hot dog I ate…just a hot dog. It was gross. I don’t know why I ate it.
I hate the summer. I feel lonely, I feel bored, I feel antsy, and all I do is eat. I was going to run around the fields today while my sister warmed up pitching, but I didn’t follow through with that. That’s my problem, I never do what I say I will. Well, I never do the things I try to do to better myself. That’s why my old habits tend to resurface…sometimes even new ones.
Oh, and I hate how you do that. When you’re upset, how you say you’ll be right back or that you’ll call me back. I don’t care if you’re upset when you talk to me. It’s not like I don’t care. I wait all day for my usually less than an hour conversation with you. It’s not like we have actual conversations any other time of the day…That’s why I hate it when you hang up on me. It makes me not want to talk to you. Oh well. I’ll cherish what I get…
I wonder if my tea is cooled down enough to drink…
06.15.08
Vallejo
I did not like it there. First it was too cold, then it was too hot. I had to wake up early on Saturday. I got sunburned on my cheeks and nose today. The field we played at was not nice. I wanted to jump this one Blue. He had the smallest strike zone I’ve ever seen. He was frustrating my sister. We wouldn’t have tied the other team on Saturday if it was any other umpire. Vallejo isn’t that pretty of a city…no offense.
Anyways…I dyed my hair. It’s got magenta, blue green, and a bit of purple in it. And uhh…my mom got mad at me cuz I got a D+ on my world history final…I knew that I totally bombed it. Oh well…She said “You got a D+ on your final! YOU’RE GOING TO GO TO SAN JOSE STATE!”…it’s not like I failed the damm class. My teacher sucked and I learned nothing. Whatever. I wouldn’t go there anyways…not that there’s anything wrong with it.
What else, what else…I don’t know what else. I’m too sleepy to think of anything else to write. And Carmen keeps telling me to stay awake xP Whatever…
06.13.08
When It All Comes Crashing Down
It wasn’t the fact that you called me a “bad girlfriend” jokingly or that you called me your girlfriend…It was the fact that I wish I was that upset me…Also the fact that it had to be on that day. But I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I know it was an accident and just fell out of your mouth. If you said it knowingly, that would have been cruel…
“I can’t lie still when there’s someone else beside you” (Madina Lake “One Last Kiss”). Oh how true that line is. I hate the fact that he can hold you, hold your hand, and hug you in that certain way in public whenever he wants. I hate the fact that every time someone or even you mention him I have to suppress my anger and annoyance and pretend that I could care less…
I hate how you have so much fun with him. I hate the fact that you found everything that you had ever wanted, and it was in someone else. I hate the fact that you’re still with him. I hate the fact that I have to wait. I hate how you said that we each get a different you. I hate how you being with him makes me feel inadequate. I hate that I didn’t get you water. I hate that I never call you pet names. I hate that I don’t sing to you or tell you stories. I hate that I don’t do anything for you. I hate that I never comment on how pretty you always look. And when you remind me of it, I think it’s the reason why you felt that you needed someone else…
I hate that I don’t trust you when you look at other guys. But then again…I have a good reason. I hate the fact that I have to wait. I’m afraid that if you break up with him, you’ll just do it again. I’m afraid that you’re going to hang on to him until he ends it…if he ends it. I hate the fact that you know this hurts me, but you’ve yet to do anything about it. Then again, maybe you don’t know. I hate the fact that I’m afraid. I hate how selfish I am. I hate how much this bugs me…
Sometimes I think that you should be with a guy and not love me in that way anymore. I wish you would realize that I’m a liar. I lied when I said that I don’t lie to friends. I lie to everyone. I have secrets that I wouldn’t tell anyone. Not even you….
I hate how by the time you talk to me at night you’re already about to fall asleep. I hate how you’re always busy. I hate that your family likes him so much. I hate how I’m still waiting. I hate that I have to share. I hate how you always say things that make me feel like we won’t last. I can’t remember any, but it’s true. I hate how I choke on every word that I wish I could say to you…
I’m afraid that he’ll fall in love with you. I’m afraid that it won’t end. I’m afraid that in two years, I still won’t have what I want. I’m afraid that if that happens, I won’t find another person who’ll love me the same way. I’m afraid that even if you break up with him, you’ll find someone else again. I’m afraid that I will end up living alone in a cave with a solar-powered laptop with wireless internet…
I hate how when he came after school you never invited anyone to go with you guys. I hate how the whole world always came with us downtown. I hate how I always end up the odd wheel…
I hated how I didn’t go with you downtown that one day you had brought your long board. I was so excited. Then you told me that you were walking with Emily and Audrey. You said you were walking to the office. But you had told me that you were just going to ride for a bit then come back to school. I hated how you had to ask them if I could go with you guys. You never ask me if the whole world can come with us. I was disappointed with a hint of angry. But I still ended up going downtown anyways. Just not with you. I think hanging out with Jessie, Katie, and Giuliana actually made me feel better. One of ‘em said that they think you guys won’t last long together. And honestly, I hoped that was the case. I think I felt like crying that day…
I never told you that I freaked out that one day. The day you and him were supposed to go run in the fountains. He came after school and you were somewhere in the SLC with Giuliana. I was walking out of Donelley with Ann and he came on campus. Ann wanted to wait until you started coming out until we went downtown with Cati and other people. But I didn’t. So I started walking and I was like “No, let’s go…NOW!” And like, I demonically screamed that last part. I turned around and was like, “Wow…I didn’t mean to scream that loud.” He had this totally weirded out look on his face. But Ann and I started walking before you came out. For the brief time that you were in visible distance behind us, Ann walked kinda slow. Sometimes I think that I should have waited until you came out of the SLC just to see what you would have done…
The first time you told me that you were going to break up with him because I wanted you to, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I thought about it and figured you were going to wait until he graduated to do it, since you were invited. But I guess I was just being optimistic…
Are you still going to do it? Is it just wishful thinking? Did you change your mind? Do you not want to? What are you waiting for? Until he’s about to leave? Until he breaks up with you? If you love me so much, do it already. Oh wait, you said it’s not that easy…
Even though you say I can, I don’t want to call you in the middle of the night. Even though I’m up and still want to talk, it won’t make a difference. You’ll still be tired and I’ll feel annoying…
Title Courtesy of The Academy Is… (”We’ve Got A Big Mess On Our Hands”)
06.11.08
Happy June 11th!
Six months! Woohoo!…not really though.
So yesterday I went to Sophie and Maxine’s graduation! It was boring and long but whatever. We played on the playground a bit before the ceremony and took some pictures. I looked like a girl xP Oh well…then Carmen and I rushed back to her house to set up dinner and stuff. I must say, I am useless in other peoples’ homes. I played a bit of Rock Band and hung around and stuff. I was spending the night, so it was fun. Carmen and I watched P.S. I Love You at like, midnight and it wasn’t over until like 2:30. So we went to bed pretty late and it was hella hot.
So today, we got up and went to her parents’ office for about two hours, maybe less. Then we were off to San Francisco. We shopped…not me though, I hate shopping. We ate some food. A lot of walking. It took forever to find Victoria’s Secret xD On the way back from VS, we saw a guy playing the violin near a crosswalk. HE WAS SO CUTE! AND HE PLAYED THE FREAKIN’ VIOLIN<3 I gave him a dollar…it was Carmen’s dollar though. He said “thank you” with the cutest smile. I wanted to kidnap and bring him to my house so he could live in my room and play the violin for me. I miss him…
Everyone fell asleep in the car on the way back. I was really tired and actually slept for about an hour. We got to Carmen’s house around 7:00. That gave me an hour to hang around. I was really tired so I just lied down on Carmen’s bed while she was on the interweb. Then my mom came and picked me up around 8:30.
I had fun…
…Vallejo this weekend. Spending the night! Weeee!
06.08.08
January- err…June 8th
Happy five month…not really happy…it doesn’t feel like it’s been five months already. That’s almost half a year…Oh well…
So I’ve been in Modesto since yesterday, I’m leaving sometime today. So Yesterday, I felt like slitting someone’s throat. First, my sister was messing around with me, and I ended up getting hit in the nose with her heavy hand. It hurt like crazy. I was afraid it would bleed, but, luckily, it didn’t. So that made me cry. And then after the games were over for the day, we went to the hotel. Well, I forgot to make a map from the field to the hotel, but I did backwards directions from directions we already had [from the hotel to the field]. Well, somehow, they were wrong. So my dad was yelling at me and saying how he couldn’t depend on me and blah blah blah. So I cried again and felt like slitting someone’s throat. Instead, I clawed at my arm. Eventually, we did get to the hotel.
I was left alone in the room for awhile and got to sing my lungs out. We went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. It was disgusting. I got in there and the first thing I said was “…it smells like raw bovine.” I ended up eating a chicken and swiss sandwich. It was yummy. Then at around 9:30ish I went swimming. I only went cuz there were about four other people in the pool. It was warm. I doggy-paddled from one end to the other…width ways. But I loved it. After I sat with my dad, my sister’s coach, and two other moms around the pool and listened to them talk. The pool closed at 10:00, but they didn’t kick us out until around 11:30 or so.
So now, I am getting ready to go eat breakfast. I think I was going to write about something else, but I’m not sure. Oh well, if I remember, I’ll post it. But maybe there wasn’t…
…five…months…there shouldn’t be an anniversary for this…or maybe it was a good thing…I didn’t like it though…
06.05.08
Does Being All of These Things Make Me…Me?
Does not telling someone to “stop” make me a Bad Friend?
Does wanting to see a smile on someone’s face make me a Liar?
Does biting at the skin around my finger nails until they bleed make me a Cannibal?
Does wanting control over something make me Self-destructive?
Does wanting to be somewhere else make me Ungrateful?
Does the need to please myself make me a Hypocrite?
Does the rush, curiosity, and awe make me Want to do it again?
Does boredom make me Possessive?
Does being home make me Jealous and Insecure?
Does needing to know make me an Attention-whore?
Does the need of having someone all to myself make me Selfish?
