07.28.08
Cry Baby! Cry Baby!
Ughhh I’ve been such a cry baby about everything lately. Last night, after she called and told me stuff, which I totally misunderstood [I think...], I cried for almost fifteen minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES. What the hell? I’m sure that if the call didn’t come when I was half-asleep, I would’ve understood better. I comprehended words, but not the order in which they came in…
I’m cold…in Vegas. Hahahaha damm air-conditioning. Saves you from the heat, freezes you after awhile. I haven’t really had any fun yet. And arguing parents don’t make it any funner =/ Hopefully I get to do something that I would like to do. Not very likely to happen though.
I’m really trying… =|
I Really Don’t Know…
I really don’t know what’s going on right now.
I don’t know what she meant by it.
I am utterly and genuinely confused.
(’ _ ‘)-p
07.26.08
Sand Is Overrated
For the past three days I’ve been watching one of my all-time favorite movies. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I watched it in my film class a couple of months ago. In class, Ann and I saw how much the main character Joel and I are alike. Joel says at the beginning of the movie “Why do I always fall in love with any girl that shows me any sign of attention” [Note: that's paraphrased]. Well…I have a habit of doing the exact same thing. Joel doesn’t talk all too much about himself because he says that his life isn’t interesting. I am the same. He uses drawing to express his emotions that he doesn’t share with anyone. I use writing and drawing. He is nervous about and has trouble with meeting new people, although it is inevitable. I do to and I wish that wasn’t true. And, he is attracted to and loves a girl who has a pretty much totally opposite personality. Carmen said it was a bad thing to be like Joely. I don’t think it is.
I love that movie like crazy. The whole story and imagery and…it’s just amazing. I think it’ll be the next movie I buy. I want to memorize those four lines that hold so much inside of them.
“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned;”
-Alexander Pope (”Eloisa to Abelard”)
Complete text: http://www.monadnock.net/poems/eloisa.html
Heading off to Vegas tonight…tomorrow morning…whatever. I’m excited =]
07.21.08
I’ve Never Felt So Bi-polar Before
So last night. I don’t know what was up with me. I didn’t want her to go to sleep. I didn’t want her to hang up. I didn’t want her to go…I didn’t want her to leave me…I must’ve spent about ten minutes saying “Don’t don’t don’t. No no no no. Stop. Don’tttttt.” I’m never like that…And then she hung up on me…not like…in a mean way or anything though. After that I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I stopped. Then I pondered. Then I slept.
When she texted me in the morning, I purposely didn’t answer [...sorry]. Then I put my phone on silent. I wasn’t mad at her necessarily but lsjdfksjdf. She ended up texting me once more and called me about three times. I felt bad then finally answered her. And then the rest of the day I was just a giddy little girl. Talk about a mood swing.
I don’t want to play this game anymore. I feel like I have no walk-through help. Like I’m on my last life. Like I can’t defeat the final boss. I feel like I’m losing…I’m not the type to lose though…
07.19.08
10, 15, 20
Yesterday, while dropping off Ann at home, I had to use the facilities, so I did. I have this habit of weighing myself in her bathroom whenever I use it xD I discovered that since the last time I weighed myself, I have lost somewhere between 10 and 20 lbs. I’m assuming the last time I weighed myself was quite a few months ago. I was surprised! And they say we’re supposed to gain weight at our school…
I played some Gears of War today. It was all good up until I got up to the part with the Berserker…I swear, I was screaming and trying to run away at the same time. I was scared xD I couldn’t get passed that part so I decided to take a break. I looked at some upcoming 360 games. THEY’RE MAKING BANJO-KAZOOIE AND CRASH BANDICOOT GAMES FOR THE 360! You don’t even know how excited I am for those games…Man they’ll bring back memories.
I get to go to Stockton tomorrow and watch more softball! Woohoo! [<--sarcasm]
7 more days until I head off to Vegas!
07.17.08
Music In the Park: Ludo and Flogging Molly
Music in the park was soooo much fun! So we waited a few minutes for Carmen and her friends to get there. Then, GiGi, Allyson, and Emily showed up. Then, we waited for Sophie and other kids. Then, we walked to the stage area. I was kinda like mehh about all the people with us. It’s not that they weren’t nice or anything, I just suck at meeting new people. Then I got a bit mad at some stuff. This one girl asked where Carmen’s boyfriend was. I wanted to cry. I got annoyed and went to stand in the crowd…When we first got there, I whispered to Ann “I’m not going to enjoy this…” and shook my head when I saw Carmen come with a bunch of friends. Hey, at least they were really friendly to Ann and me. And they actually remembered our names!
For Ludo, Ann and I were right next to the speakers. I swear, I couldn’t even hear myself talk! I got a bunch of pics of Ludo. The keyboardist was adorable! I think he danced more than he played hah. Ann noticed that I was looking for Carmen during Ludo’s set…which I was. I didn’t see her though. Then, before the last song, Ann and I got in line to buy You’re Awful, I Love You and have Ludo sign it. After the line, we met up with everyone again.
Then…FLOGGING MOLLY! I wanted to be in the crowd so badddd. Stupid me failed to recall the conduct of a Flogging Molly crowd xD That shit was crazy. It was sweaty and painful and dangerous and fun! Ann kept getting like, kicked in the face. So many bodies so close together xP …I LOVED IT! I had to hold on to the Ludo CDs though. Then we lost Sophie. Carmen was worried. We didn’t find her until almost the end. I’m kinda bummed that I didn’t get to physically see Flogging Molly, but it was all good.
We saw a whole mess of teachers! Ms. Orr was there and we had a nice chat. I saw a lot of people I knew. My big sister came up to me when I first got there. I was surprised! Not to see her there, but that she came up to me. Usually it’s just awkward hello’s, but we actually had a conversation this time. I even saw Sarah and Stephanie and her sister from MHT.
So today…I met new people. Got my awkward hug from Eric. Met someone who said he’d rather call me Candice as opposed to Can Dice. I got Ludo signatures. I got You’re Awful, I Love You. I was mad. I almost cried. I wanted to kill people. I got happy again. I got to see everyone. I got my “Jude Law…” poster. I got kisses. And uhh…yeah…oh, and so much for NO SMOKING in the park.
=]
“And the feeling of inadequacy sets in again…
Because I still cannot change the weather
I talk and talk but no healing words dispense from my lips
But how easily someone else can calm the storm
I never was the kind to turn the tides
A dull moon that rarely shines
A weak wind with no change in direction
Just a silly girl who cannot even paint a smile in the sky”
And sometimes I’m really just not alright with all that…maybe I’ll embellish this more when given time
Music in the park tomorrow! I’m excited! Hellza people are going. Carmen, GiGi, Angie, Allyson, Cati, Denise, Shannen, Sophie, Maxine, and myself! I’m glad that the day I get to go out, I get to see almost everyone. Plus, Flogging Molly and Ludo! My dad wants to pick me up at 8:00 but it ends at 9:15…I wonder if I’ll be able to convince someone to take me home later. That’d be nice. I am very excited. I hope I remember my camera xD Oh well, my phone is pretty good at taking pictures too. Welp, I guess I’ll sleep soon…hopefully she gets her phone tonight<3
07.14.08
I Realize That I Miss Being Human
Today was Hakuna Matata… =]
I woke up later than I had wanted to. I got up and did nothing productive of course. [Random: Hah...I just thought of something clever to say ..."It sucks to want something you can have, but just can't seem to get. Doesn't it?"] Then my mom came home and her and I went to Kaiser to pick up some pills. After, I got to drive to Ross. Being there made me miss my old house. I love that area so much. I mean, green trees, nice neighborhoods, a short walk to the mountains…gosh how I miss it.
My mom and I spent over an hour at Ross. The second I got in I hit the dress section. Ross is like, my favorite place to look at dresses…well, it comes in second to Jessica McClintock. I noticed that I am very attracted to polka dots and green hah. So if I actually want to buy something when I go shopping, I pretty much have to have my mom there. See, I pick out the clothes I want, show my mom, she picks the ones she likes, I try them on, I buy the ones I like. She’s pretty good about it though. I’m never unhappy with what she picks. I picked out some dresses and got two. I also got some yellow shoes with white polka dots that had a yellow and white stripy bow. Then we came home and did more unproductive things.
In Ross, as I passed people in the aisles and said my “excuse me’s,” I wondered if my politeness ever impresses people. I mean, I am a pretty polite person. I always say “please,” “thank you,” “sorry,” and “excuse me.” There are a lot of people who never say such things. I hope it does impress people…
Today was good. No upsetting things to bring me down. Just pure content. I missed that feeling. I’m glad I got to feel it again. I’m going to spend all day tomorrow…well, I guess today…cleaning my room. Then I’m going to put on every dress I own and take pictures [possibly even put on some makeup!]. It’ll be a camwhore day! Hip hip hoorah!
I forget whether or not there was anything else I wanted to say…oh well.
Title Courtesy of: The Damning Well (”Awakening”)
07.10.08
What Could I Possibly Have to Stress About?
So yesterday, my family was hustling to get to my sister’s spaghetti dinner fund raiser. Well, my dad got off of work late so my mom was all mad and she didn’t have enough spaghetti sauce so she was all yelling at everyone, especially me. She kept saying that all I do is sit around and not do anything.
In the car, after everyone calmed down, my mom was like “I’m sorry blah blah” and we were like “Yeahh…” and I don’t know what she said before but she told me “What do you have to stress about? I work and blah…” and all I could think was “…you don’t even know.”
And just so everyone knows…THE UNIVERSE HATES ME! YAY! And you know what? I ACTUALLY DON’T CARE ANYMORE! So go ahead and hate me all you want universe. =]
